Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

B

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.