jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”