jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U