“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
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Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Best mom ever 😂
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*