“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Arrest that man!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
December birthdays be like…
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Always the camel, never the toe.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
