Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”