Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
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After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.