Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”