Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion