Jus’ sayin. 😐
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Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.