Jus’ sayin. 😐
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Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.