Jus’ sayin. 馃槓
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“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you鈥檝e done it again sir
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he鈥檚 telling me
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don鈥檛 remember putting in my purse
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zo毛 Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When I retire I鈥檓 going to run from office.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Insomnia is just your brain鈥檚 way of telling you it鈥檚 secretly a squirrel with ADHD.