Jus’ sayin. 😐
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.