Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Do not levitate over flowers

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.