Jus’ sayin. 😐
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me