Jus’ sayin. 😐
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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Google Pay be like:
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Old old old old old west
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk