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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Candles never taste the way they smell
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…