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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I’ve had worse
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Shower sex be like:
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.