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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Printer ink is expensive
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.