Just a boop… with a sledgehammer
You Might Also Like
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
