Just a boop… with a sledgehammer
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
man i love columbo
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.