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75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Easy enough.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.