Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

I am never leaving this website

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.