Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️