Just a friendly reminder!
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
A wise man once said nothing.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie