Just a friendly reminder!
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don鈥檛 know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600鈥檚: and they鈥檙e called dortios?
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I can鈥檛 stop watching this video 馃槀馃槀馃槀
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don鈥檛 know. How do you THINK today is going?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
As a lil mental health treat I鈥檒l throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I鈥檓 a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,