Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Sunday

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

If my kids invented a drink.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.