Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you text your spouse?

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???