Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.