Just a friendly reminder!
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Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*skinny dips into black hole
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My new favorite headline
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73