Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

That’s easy for you to say

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.