Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.