Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”