Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

2 years later

Bro what is this

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.