Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!