Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?