Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.