Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.