Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

I was just discussing this with my cat

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

getting groceries

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.