Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
he chose this
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair