Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.