Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat