Just a phase…
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T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?