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I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Miscakes
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*