Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
I feel it
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
