Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
The best plant holders?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
