Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
no
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
