Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.