Just a reminder, folks:
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
United Steaks of America
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”