Just a reminder, folks:
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him