Just a reminder, folks:
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.