Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Skills
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
based
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.