Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.