Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

*orders delivery*

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.