just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
oh u like geography? name every lake
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish