just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.