Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out