just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child