just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
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Sing it!
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.