Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
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[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Flock of bats
Children of the corn 🌽
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking