Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it