Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class