just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Jail
