just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”