Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Denise please return my vape pen
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I found your tweet-up…
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”