Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Me, in DM rooms…

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

i need a six-month vacation twice a year