Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
These are my roll models.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.