Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Very good news from my accountant
You learn something every day
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.