Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

🤯🤯🤯

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….