Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

😲 WTF? 😆

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule