Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
LOOOOOOL
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.