Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
old twitter is back baby
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I want to meet the individual who made this
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet