Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
You Might Also Like
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
no regrets
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does