Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*